Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me...

My father suddenly visits a lot.

When he cannot visit, he calls.

On Monday, I had to call him and tell him that, due to the very busy week ahead, I didn't have time to just sit and chat this week, but he was welcome to come over and help me with household chores or yard work or baby-tending.

He did not come over this week.

Once we got that all settled, the conversation steered to a number of other things.  First he asked about the baby's well-being, and I said what I always say when people ask how the baby is doing.  I said, "She's fine.  This week she _____________ (learned to reach for things)."  And he said, "Oh, that's great, and by the way, did you ever consider the fact that if you leave Leah's bedroom door open at night and someone is walking by outside, they might see there is a baby inside?"

This completely broke my brain.

I took a few moments to blink and say nothing and try to reboot my mental faculties.  Then I decided that he couldn't possibly be implying what it sounded like he was implying and I must have misunderstood.  So, like an idiot, I opened my word-hole and said, "What?"

"You know.  Someone might break in and take her."

(I will choose to ignore the part of me that wants to write about how this is a completely inappropriate thing to say to a new mother, or any mother, ever, on the face of the Earth for all of time, and how I stayed up half the night worrying about it.) 

I calmly told my father that we always close both of Leah's bedroom doors at night, and that even if we didn't, the only way anyone would be able to possibly see into her bedroom would be if they were already in our breezeway.  So if someone was going to steal Leah away out of her bedroom, they would need to already know that we have an infant, and that she sleeps in that particular bedroom.  Otherwise, we'd be looking for a baby-snatcher who goes around, creepily looking into everyone's open windows and doors, looking for a baby to steal.

And then I hung up the phone and had a freakout.  And I continued to quietly freak out about it for the rest of the week.  Logic has no place in the mind of a new mom, no matter how casual and laid-back said mother is.  

But I don't blame my father for his lapse in judgment.  I blame the media, which jumps on the stories of missing white children like a pack of rabid dogs and makes TV movies about this shit for Lifetime.

The majority of Bad People do not stranger-kidnap infants.  You know why?  Because taking care of one is really hard.  Also, they cry a lot.  Also, they require a multitude of care-taking supplies that cost a lot of money that would severely cut into any ransom.  And this is encompassing all infants - nevermind Miss Leah's very special lungs and the fact that she is, hands down, the loudest and least patient baby I have ever met.  If anyone did steal her, she would make sure they immediately regretted their decision and they would probably put her back and go in search of a baby more conducive to their scheme.

But as I said, that's not going to happen.  It's not going to happen because when newborns disappear in real life, eventually the (inevitably very public) case almost always leads to a member of the family, an estranged parent, or a family friend.  So let's just make a deal: If you are reading this blog, you agree not to steal my baby, and I will agree not to murder you in the face.

Also, as a general PSA, please do not go around suggesting to parents that someone may steal their child out of their bedroom at night.  It's really not helpful at all.

Now that we're all square on the baby-snatching front, maybe I can get some sleep.